DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Domestic violence is a topic covered by TV and news reports each day. Although there are men abused by women, statistics show that women are most often the victims of domestic violence in every culture. Each year over 3 million to 4 million women are identified as survivors of abuse, and many additional cases are going unreported. If you are involved in an abusive situation or know of someone who is, please continue reading.

Abuse can take place at many levels. It can include emotional abuse, physical abuse, economic abuse, or sexual abuse. It may involve threats, intimidation, physical force, isolation, use of male privilege and various other behaviors. The abuser’s main objective is to maintain control over another person. Abusers/batters come from all social and economic groups and have differing personality profiles. Following are some characteristics they do have in common.

A batterer has low self-esteem. Outwardly he may appear successful, but inwardly he feels powerless.

A batterer does not see women as people, and does not respect them as a group. He looks at women as sexual objects or property.

The batter blames his actions on things outside himself—his partner, alcohol, a bad day at work, etc.

Many batterers exhibit extreme jealousy and possessiveness, and exhibit verbal abusiveness and cruelty to animals.

Many people ask the question, “Why does a woman stay with someone who is abusive?” The answer is not simple, and it typically involves a complex series of reasons. Among them are:

She fears that the batterer may become even more violent if she tries to leave him and seriously harm her and/or the children

Friends and family members may not give her needed support

She fears being a single parent with limited means of providing financial support for herself and the children

She lacks information about and access to safety and support systems in the community

 

Abusers often grew up in violent families and they themselves were abused as children.

Abusers tend to use force and violence to “solve” problems. They get in fights, have quick tempers, over-react to little problems and frustrations, exhibit cruelty to animals, throw things when upset.

There is a strong link between domestic abuse and over-use of alcohol and/or the taking of drugs

Abusers tend to have very traditional ideas about the roles of men and women and feel a woman should stay at home and follow the husband’s wishes and orders

Abusers often show jealousy over their partner’s friends—both male and female. They want to keep watch and know where the woman is all of the time.

Abusers often have access to lethal weapons—guns, knives, etc. and talk about using them to “get even”

Abusers expect women to follow orders and advice. They can become angry if their partners do not fulfill their wishes

          Many batters/abusers go through extreme emotional highs and lows, kind at one time and very cruel at another.

Abusers/batters tend to treat women roughly and use physical force to get them to submit to their wishes.

Abusers incite fear in those around them. The woman in the relationship finds that she is fearful of her partner when he is angry, and a major part of her time is spent in preventing another “blowup”

 

PLAN FOR THE FUTURE

If you are still living in an abusive relationship:

Think of a place you can go if an argument occurs (avoid rooms with no exits)

Think about and make a list of safe people to contact

Keep change with you at all times

Memorize all important phone numbers

Establish a sign or code word so family or friends know when to call for help

Think about what you will say to your partner if he becomes violent

Always remember that you have a right to live without fear and violence.

If you have left an abusive partner and are severing the relationship:

Change your phone number. Screen calls that come to you.

Save all documents, contacts, messages, etc. which involve the abuser.

Change locks on doors, etc.

Avoid staying alone.

Should you be confronted by your abuser, have a plan for getting away

If you meet your partner, do it in a public place

Vary your routine

Notify work and school contacts

Call a shelter for battered women